Although I sometimes get off topic, those of you who are loyal readers of my blog may notice a few running themes.
A)Naturally, the entire blog is suppose to capture the thrilling adventure of living in New York as opposed to my mundane life in Georgia.
B) My tone is elitist on purpose.
C) I have a self-deprecating sense of humor.
D) I often talk about wanting to fall in love.
Originally, my idea for this blogpost was to defend how my pinterest board entitled "My Dream Wedding" is not crazy and actually a really fun way to figure out what your personal style is (I've coined the term Urban Rustic to describe myself). However, after spending a productive morning at work looking for apartments on craigslist, I thought to myself, "How can I marry (haha) my running themes of elitism and relationships together and not make fun of myself?"
What better way to do this than to make fun of other people and their quests for love? So, I decided to make a list of some of my favorite craigslist missed connections from both NYC AND Augusta. After reading these, I think everyone can agree that my pretend wedding planning isn't so crazy after all. In fact, I'm pretty much a catch.
Here goes the best of the best in NYC:
1) Richard Daine MD Funeral - m4w - 45
Post reads:
"We saw each other at the Health Commissioner's funeral
Let's have some coffee together to celebrate
Our Survival"
2) Brian Miller MD Funeral - m4w - 45
"We saw each other at the ophthalmologist's funeral
Would love to speak to you"
...Seriously?! What serial killer is murdering doctors for dates
3) cigarette girl - trader joes (23rd & 6th) - m4w
"you asked for a light outside, not sure if you wanted to talk or was just looking for a lighter"
...pretty sure if she didn't continue talking...she was just looking for a lighter.
4) Lady at Babylon Neurologist today - m4w
We spoke in the waiting room. I spoke to your friend when you went in. Your insurance did not pre approve your tests. Oddly enough my appointment got messed up too and I have to go back.
...Pretty strong argument against Obamacare.
5) Q45 bus thursday 7pm you were in a red motorused wheel chair - m4w - 20
...okay, this title speaks for itself but feel free to click the link if you want to hear about this "beautiful bigger girls wearing a blue shirt and black stretch pants"
Let's see what the New York ladies are up to:
1) Centry 21 (friday 25th may) - w4m - 22
"I was walking in between the two entrances from clothing back to shoes, You were sitting in the back of a van. right by the crossing."
....He sounds totally normal. Good ol' sitting in the back of a van guy.
2) cute latino excersising - w4m - 24
"You was the cute latino dress in a black shirt black shorts with yellow stripes doing excersise in the italian park on 188 and arthur avenue ima transexual msg me if your intrested tell me what you had on your ear lol"
...because exercise is such a tough word to spell. I bet he had earphones on his ears.
3) you rolled with unbleached joint paper. - w4m - 20
Once again, pretty self-explanatory. My only question is...why would you want to smoke bleach?
4) Rick(?) from the reunion at the Fan Cave - w4m - 23
"We met tonight at the NYU alumni toast at the Fan Cave (I'm Margo) - we chatted about the Venus transit, how awesome 2011 graduates are, and the empire state building. I thought you were really cute, but had to leave early. if you see this, you should definitely contact me - from our brief conversation, you seen like a great guy."
...Can't beat Margo and her thrilling conversations. Maybe next she'll explain the importance of using double-sided tape! (I love you, Terra)
5) Why have you not tried to see me?? - w4m - 27
"Its been several months..you havent called, you havent txted, you see to have forgotten about me completely. You moved away and didn't say good bye. We had plans, I told you I was falling for you....I think about you everyday, you are the sexiest person I've ever encountered. I hate you"
...Anyone want to take a crack at why he ran away?
Augusta:
1) Changed your tire - m4w
I helped you change your tire in the parking lot of Walmart on Bobby Jones. You didnt know it, but I saw you as I was coming out of WM and you were going in. I was too shy to say anything then, so I decided to slash your front tire of your car, then wait for you to come back out. That's when I came by and helped you? Remember me? Anyways, in the midst of all the excitement I forgot to ask for your number. Hope to hear from you!
...Jesus.
2) Farmington Freak - m4w - 45
"I've seen you give me the look as you pass by. The look says bend me over and wear me out. Those store bought boobs are spectacular and I would love to see them. You are a red head and reside in the neighborhood."
...self-appointed neighborhood watch
A running theme in Augusta...Kroger hook ups:
3) Kroger Washington Rd - m4w
"Sat afternoon you paid for my item and before I realized what you had done you were gone"
...the grocery store phantom
4) Krogers/ Washington rd. - m4w - 38
"I told you that you looked beautiful today; I kinda follewed you because I could not get over how great you looked and how much I would like to get to know you alot better! You seem to be a wee bit older than me, But I like that thought, I know this is a long shot, But ya just never know! I am the really handsom young looking guy in the frzen food section. So if you would like to maybe hang out sometime or just take it slow, let me know... Im yours... tell me what you were wearing."
...the grocery store stalker that "kinda" lerks around the frozen food
5) krogers sunday around 5....pink tanktop.. - m4w - 40
You were wearing a pink tanktop walking with a young child around 5:00 sunday evening...i was walking down the isle and you took a second look at me! ...i would like to get to know you !!!!
...THE GUY WHO IS REALLY EXCITED TO BE GROCERY SHOPPING!!!
Ladies:
1) Monday PM in Wal-Mart parking lot - w4m - 50
"Monday afternoon around 4 pm I was in the Wal-Mart parking lot off Deans Bridge Rd. putting groceries in the back of my red trailblazer. You drove by and stopped, then asked if I was married. I told you yes but.."
...but marriage doesn't count if you're at a wal-mart in a different area code?
2) FoodLion in Gtown - w4m - 31
"You let me get in front of you at the register that just opened."
...this kind of chivalry just doesn't exist anymore.
3) ihop late dinner. yumm - w4m - 21
"You were sitting with a colored guy in a white shirt and white hat. You were im red with a green bracelet, which is good for me cause i love Christmas. I liked the slow s!ensual way you drank your water. Delicious"
...this catch has a knack for describing things using colors, pancakes, and Christmas!
4) Car Trouble - w4m - 36
I've noticed you before outside with the children as I was driving by with mine. I've always found you attractive, but even more so in your camo this morning while working on your truck. I'd love to talk and get to know each other!!!
...she thinks my tractor's sexyyyyyyyy
5) We meet at bike week in SC - w4m
We had a brief encounter Wednesday night during bike week. I did not believe you were named after a bike! The kiss was amazing!!! Would love to chat again.
...Was his name Penny Farthing?
Okay, so after doing this, here are my tips on where to find your soul mate:
New York love connections often involve funerals, the subway, or coffee.
People in Georgia more so like to meet people through motor vehicle bonding, grocery stores, and Wal-Mart parking lots.
I hope this helps. I have a TON of pretend wedding ideas I'd be happy to share.
